


4 times Rin Okumura hates his reflection and the 1 time he was taught to love it

by Pukayio



Category: Ao no Exorcist | Blue Exorcist
Genre: 4+1, Angst, Established Relationship, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, I need sleep, M/M, Sad, as i said it's 2am and i might need to edit later bc i wrote this on a whim!, but it's mostly rin and his struggles, it's 2am, kinda sad, there's a lil fluff at the end
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-22
Updated: 2018-05-22
Packaged: 2019-05-10 00:19:42
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,020
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14726378
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pukayio/pseuds/Pukayio
Summary: (1) Rin Okumura watches as blue flames dance around him for the first time and he sees himself as the demon he really is.(2) Rin Okumura is in the bathroom at 3am when he looks in the mirror and hates what he sees.(3) Rin Okumura thinks his friends can't stand to look at him and he agrees.(4) Rin Okumura is too afraid of himself to save his friends.-[1] Suguro Ryuji is there to tell Rin just how beautiful he is.





	4 times Rin Okumura hates his reflection and the 1 time he was taught to love it

**Author's Note:**

> so i wrote this instead of studying and now it's 2:30 am and i have to get up at 7! anyway i hope you like this and please don't mind any typos etc. also there might be a couple things that don't add up a 100% with the anime/manga but i had to change some things to fit the story i got going on here
> 
> i'm still gonna edit this one, i just needed to get this out of my system!
> 
> <3

(1)

 

The first time he saw his true self was also the first time he unsheathed Kurikara. His old man’s words ringing through his head as he drew the katana and smashed it down in the gate to Gehenna. His minded clouded with unanswered questions and the only thing that really mattered at that moment was to save his father.

 

Blue flames erupted around him and even though he expected them to burn, they felt cold against his skin, distant. He could almost make himself believe they weren’t his as they danced around him, leaving no trace of the Gate except for the blackened wood that was left.

 

He caught a glimpse of himself as he moved to put the weapon away and he forced himself to look away, but the image was burned in his mind. His crooked teeth, pointy ears, a rage in his eyes so blinding he couldn’t believe they were his own and of course the blue flames that seemed to burn hotter than before. Brighter. Warmer, as if getting accustomed to him. He mentally scoffed at that, dismissing the thought. He carefully sheathed the katana and choked on a ragged breath as he watched the flames die down, leaving him shivering in their wake.  

 

He clung onto the sword as he watched Yukio run towards their father and his heart broke. His lungs ached and it hurt. It hurt so bad he couldn’t move, he couldn’t breathe and he gasped, clutching at his chest.

 

Memories flashed in front of his closed eyes and he willed them away, the memory of his father stabbing himself in the heart the only thing that replayed in his mind.

 

His father stabbing himself—

 

He looked up and through the blur of his tears he saw Shiro laying on the floor, unmoving. His heart clenched painfully and he discarded Kurikara to the side as he made his way over to his father. He dropped to his knees and carefully cradled his father’s head in his lap.

 

“D-Dad… No…no, no, I’m sorry…I’m sorry,” he sobbed and clutched at his Shiro’s uniform.

 

“Please, please wake up! Please—I can’t do this without you, please just—” a heartbreaking sob wrenched his body and he doubled over, burying his face Shiro’s chest. No heartbeat could be heard, no breathing, no gentle humming, no reassurance that he was okay; nothing.

 

Fujimoto Shiro was dead.

 

 

 

 

(2)

 

The manifestation of Rin’s demon side had caused quite a ruckus among the few people that had actually known about it before it’d happened, including Yukio.

 

When Rin had enrolled at True Cross Academy he wasn’t expecting his younger twin to be a cram school teacher, _and_ an exorcist at that. The excitement on his brother’s behalf was quickly drowned out when he noticed how strange he was acting around him. It seemed like something was bothering him, and Rin was not surprised Yukio’s true feelings were exposed when he’d cornered him during class.

 

“Can’t you see it, Rin?” Yukio told the older twin as soon as his students had left the classroom.

 

“See what, exactly?!” Rin was outraged. How dare his brother keep this kind of information from him? Had he known all along? The hardships father had to endure to keep him safe? The risks? Everything?

 

“You killed Shiro!” Yukio exclaimed and Rin growled, anger coiling in his chest. He rushed forward and caught Yukio’s tie, pulling him up so they were face to face.

 

“What do you mean?! Satan _possessed_ him! I could do nothing but stand there, watching how he—”

 

Yukio pushed his brother off of him and in a blur of limbs Rin caught himself on a desk, the vial of blood that laid there dropping and breaking. The old blood formed a small pool, spreading the stench of decay. The walls began shimmering as hobgoblins appeared, attracted to the smell of rot that had formed around them.

 

“Shiro was the only capable human vessel for Satan, the only thing keeping Satan from actually doing so was his willpower!” Yukio reached for his gun as one of the smaller demons circled dangerously close and fired when they dove at him.

 

“You must’ve done something, or—or said something that made his self-control waver. You cracked father’s resolve and that’s how Satan managed to slip in!” Rin watched as his brother kept spatting words in anger and fired his gun with the same veracity he saw in his eyes.

 

“Can you see now, Rin?” Yukio panted after he shot the last of the hobgoblins. He turned around to face said boy and kept a firm grip on his gun. Rin squinted at the barrel, pointed directly at him, and then at his brother. His eyes widened slightly when he noticed a sizeable hobgoblin revealing itself behind Yukio.

 

“You’re a demon, Rin! A _monster._ And it’s my job as an exorcist…” Yukio trailed off, watching Rin’s blue flames erupt as he drew Kurikara.

 

“It’s my job to eliminate monsters!” Yukio yelled, but his words fell on deaf ears. Rin was charging forward, katana light in his grip, almost comfortable, as he ran straight at his brother. He swung his weapon and sliced clean through the demon, leaving Yukio standing in shock, gaping at him.

 

“Don’t you…” Rin panted, “…ever…” He put the katana and scabbard away in the red cloth.

 

“Point a gun at my face.” Rin leveled his gaze with Yukio’s, who seemed frozen with surprise and disbelief.

 

“I’m still your older brother, Yukio.” Rin offered a tight smile and Yukio visibly relaxed. Maybe he was just overthinking things again. Rin wasn’t a monster, of course not. Father had raised him, hadn’t he? Yukio returned the smile, albeit a little timidly.   _How couldn’t he see that before?_ He asked himself as he watched Rin’s smile grow a little bit brighter. _Father had loved him, too. That’s why he was always protecting him._

 

The students were allowed back in and after a little cleaning up, class continued. Rin couldn’t concentrate though. He was distracted, twitching in his seat and bothering fellow classmates. Watchful eyes from the back of the class kept a lazy, yet interested, gaze on him. The students hadn’t heard what the Okumura brothers had been talking about but it was clear that they’d been fighting.

 

Suguro’s observation didn’t falter as he watched Rin exit the classroom after they were dismissed. He wasn’t one to judge but the other boy seemed off. Something was definitely wrong.

 

That night, Rin couldn’t sleep. Yukio’s words kept echoing through his head.

 

_“You’re a demon, Rin! A monster!”_

 

Rin groaned and closed his eyes, wishing away the image of his furious brother. He got up from the bed and silently made his way over to the bathroom.

 

He closed the door and flipped the light on, his reflection in the mirror immediately greeting him.

 

He watched himself curiously. His demon side had made permanent changes to his appearance.

 

“Hmpf.” He huffed as he watched his tail wave from side to side behind his back.

 

His eyes stared at the mirror and he couldn’t help but want to tear his gaze away. He kept watching though, noticing the way his pupils were slit.

 

He _was_ a demon.

 

His sight became blurry before he felt the tears roll down his cheeks. Slowly, he reached up to his face, and touched his ear. He didn’t need to move his hair to the side to know that his ears had taken an unnatural shape. He bit his lip, trying to stop a fresh wave of tears, but he could only wince in pain as sharp canines ripped through the delicate flesh.

 

He stared at the blood dripping down his mouth and he couldn’t breathe. Yukio was right, he was a _monster_. He quickly wiped away the blood and tears from his face with a clean towel and returned to bed.

 

However, he couldn’t fall asleep, so he just kept staring at the ceiling as his thoughts were running wild.

 

_Demon, demon, demon._

_I killed father._

 

(3)

 

It was a couple months later, after the events of the Earth King had finally dissipated and Rin had undergone the consequences, that he found himself on the train to Kyoto. He was excitedly talking to Kuro about the places they could visit and the different foods they could try out, when a sudden gasp interrupted them.

 

“S-Shiemi!” Rin exclaimed in surprise when he looked up, startling the shy girl further. He opened his mouth to apologize but before he could get out a word, she’d already disappeared.

 

Rin sighed and slumped back in his seat, scratching his purring familiar behind their ears.

 

“What are _you_ doing here?!” A rough voice snapped Rin back to reality and he looked up.

 

“B-Bon?!” He stuttered out and flinched when the other barked at him not to call him that.

 

“Calm down, Bon.” Rin hadn’t noticed Konekomaru standing behind the blonde dyed male and he suddenly felt guilty as he eyed the other’s arm in a brace. He forced himself to put on a smile, for the others’ sake and excitedly showed them the Kyoto guide booklet.

 

“Look, guys! They have a tower in Kyoto, too!” Rin was so enthusiastic he hadn’t caught up on the uncomfortable atmosphere. It wasn’t until Ryuji scoffed at him and the group moved to take their seats behind Rin, that he realized.

 

_Blue flames. Amaimon. Blue. Flames. Mephisto. Kurikara. Blue flames. Burning. Burning. Burning. His friends. Screaming. Blue flames. More screaming._

Rin sighed and put up an arm to rest his face up as he looked out the window. Squinting his eyes at his reflection. His piercing blue eyes stared at him and he could spot his ears poking out from under his hair. He reached a hand up to smoothen it down again and sighed, deciding to close his eyes instead.

 

A sudden thud next to him startled him enough to open his eyes and see who took the seat.

 

“Eyebrows?!” Rin exclaimed in surprise. He hadn’t expected the usually stoic girl to offer him any form of kindness.

 

“Ya! Who are you calling Eyebrows! I have name you know!” Izumo scowled at the half-demon and Rin just managed to grin in response.

 

“Izumo! You _do_ have a heart!” he awed and watched Izumo’s cheeks flare up a bit. The dark-haired girl could only splutter her embarrassment for a couple seconds before replying.

 

“It’s—I just don’t like it when people can fight for the good of others but when it’s done in return and things get bad, they decide to run.” Izumo raised her chin to the side and forcefully crossed her arms.

 

“Who said anything about running away, huh?!” Ryuji suddenly yelled from behind the two and they shot up from their seats.

 

“Well, _you_ felt compelled to react to that, right?” Izumo smirked and Rin watched them get worked up.

 

And it was all his fault.

 

It was _his_ fault his friends were badly hurt and had decided to turn their back on him. It was _his_ fault they were fighting now. First it was his father, who he’d lost because he couldn’t save him from protecting Rin. Now, he was losing his classmates and only friends he had.

 

He felt like the monster he really was. Satan’s flames burned inside of him and he clenched his fists, digging his nails in his palms so the pain would ground him. He tried to get his breath to even out, but he couldn’t shake the dreadful feeling that had settled inside of him, coiling around his chest and threatening to steal the air from his lungs.

 

“SHUT UP!” Shura’s voice rang from the back of the cabin and Rin could breathe again. He slumped in his seat when Shura began complaining about how loud they were while she was trying to sleep.

 

Rin couldn’t help but drift off as the train finally started moving, making him unaware of the worried boy behind him.

 

_What was that?_ Ryuji asked himself as he watched the half-demon nod off. He was sure he hadn’t imagined the troubled look crossing his face. The sorrow and regret that followed soon after and then _that_ look. Ryuji thought it looked like Rin had given up completely, but he refused to believe it.

 

(4)

Rin knew he’d fucked up when he woke up on a cold stone floor with a pounding headache. It all seemed so vaguely familiar, the concrete, the big iron cell door, the wooden bed in the corner. He’d been in a similar prison when he’d been at the Vatican.

 

“Argh…” Rin groaned and reached for his backside, struggling to bite back a pained howl. His lower back was sore and he couldn’t feel his tail.

 

“Finally awake, huh?” Rin looked up to see Shura standing behind the bars. He only met her eyes for a second before glancing away.

 

“Your brother’s here,” she said and stepped aside to make room for Yukio. Rin visibly paled and shrunk in on himself, ready for a scolding.

 

“Rin, look at me.” Yukio sounded remarkably less angry than Rin had expected but his fear hadn’t completely vanished yet.

 

“What were you thinking?! You know what this means, right? You are to be executed under the Vatican’s orders.” Yukio yelled as soon as Rin turned his head to face his brother.

 

“Have you forgotten what father asked me?” Yukio grasped the bars and Rin watched his knuckles turn white under the pressure.

 

“I _have_ to protect you, Rin!” Yukio almost sobbed and fell to his knees, defeated. Rin bit his lip and tried to keep it together.

 

“I—I’m sorry,” he whispered.

 

“Anyway, that old pervert gave this to me,” Shura broke the tense silence that followed and handed Rin an envelope.

 

“He told me to give it to you.”

 

Rin looked down at the envelope and carefully took it from her. He unfolded the letter that was inside and frowned.

 

“It’s from Bon’s dad,” he told the other two and quickly set to reading before realizing he couldn’t.

 

“I-I can’t read this,” he admitted and handed it back to Shura who opened the letter with a frown.

 

“Hah?!” she exclaimed before telling her company she couldn’t either.

 

Yukio roughly took the letter from her hands and took it on himself to read out the letter to them, since he was the only one who _could_ actually read it.

 

After a while he handed the letter back without a word.

 

“Well?” Rin prompted.

 

“He wants you to defeat the Impure King,” Yukio stated and looked down at his brother before pushing up his glasses with a huff.

 

“I won’t let you,” he said at the same time as Rin spoke up.

 

“I can’t do it.”

 

Shura and Yukio looked shocked by his statement but Rin knew he really couldn’t. He’d failed one too many times already and he couldn’t risk another failure. Not when the lives of everyone he held dear and more were on the line.

 

“Here,” Shura said and threw Kurikara in front of his knees.

 

Rin’s hands trembled slightly as he reached for it. He held it in both hands as he stood and looked at Shura and Yukio for permission. Yukio eyed his brother skeptically before nodding and stepping back.

 

Rin looked down at the weapon that had caused so much trouble since the beginning. He saw glimpses of himself in the little steel decorations and he sucked in a breath. He still saw the same features he’d come to hate more and more every passing day.

 

If it hadn’t been for this stupid blade—No, that wasn’t right. If it hadn’t been for _himself_ , none of this would’ve happened. If he’d just listened to his father’s words when he’d told him not to draw the Kouma Sword, none of this would’ve happened. If he’d just learned to control his flames sooner rather than later, his friends wouldn’t have been hurt. He was entirely to blame.

 

Suddenly, Rin felt really small in the prison cell and he shuddered. Memories flooding his mind. Images of his father possessed by Satan, an unmoving Shiemi, Konekomaru’s broken arm, Yukio bleeding.

 

Rin was scared.

 

“Aren’t you gonna draw it?” Shura asked, a tinge of something in her tone that neither Okumura brothers could quite place.

 

Rin looked up and held Kurikara ready. He grasped the hilt and pulled, but the sword didn’t budge.

 

Yukio’s gasp filled the empty air around them and Rin collapsed to his knees.

 

“I ca—I can’t draw it. What’s happening?!” Rin looked up at his brother and Shura.

 

“Rin,” Shura called and his attention was on her immediately. She stayed still for a couple seconds before sighing and pinching the bridge of her nose.

 

“Are you, by any chance, afraid? Right now?” Yukio looked at the exorcist with confusion written all over his face.

 

Rin looked down at the weapon in his lap, tracing the delicate details on the scabbard and watched how his muddled reflection moved along. He didn’t need a clear image to know what he looked like. He knew and he hated it. He hated the pointy ears, the sharp teeth, the tail, but most of all he hated his blue flames. At this point he felt like there was no use for them anyways. He couldn’t control them and he couldn’t use them for the greater cause, apparently. He couldn’t even draw his weapon when he needed it the most and when everyone was expecting him too.

 

He had to admit that, yes, he was afraid. And to be fair, he had every reason to be so. He sighed, swallowing his pride and looked up at Shura.

 

“I am.”

 

 

 

[1]

 

_3 Years Later_

 

Rin woke up with a strangled cry on his lips, effectively waking the sleeping man besides him.

 

“Rin?” a worried voice called out, but it was muffled. Rin’s ears were ringing and all he could hear were echoes of pained screams and there were blue flames everywhere.

_Blood. Decay. Burning. Screaming. Destruction. Fire and flames. More screaming. Pain. Blo—_

“Rin!”

 

Suddenly there was Ryuji and the screams faded to distant whispers. Rin felt himself fall into Ryuji’s embrace as salty tears made their way down his face.

 

“S-Suguro… it—it’s been three years,” he whispered and felt the arms around him tighten in response.

 

“I know.”

 

“You could’ve all been killed back then. _I_ could’ve been the one to kill you!” Rin raised his voice and struggled against Ryuji’s firm hold.

 

“But you didn’t, right? We’re still here—I’m still here,” Ryuji told the half-demon and leaned back to look at his face.

 

“What are you so worried about?” he asked him and Rin could only stare up at him.

 

Ryuji’s eyes softened and he gently lifted a hand to cup Rin’s cheek, watching with an amused tilt of his lips how the other man leaned into the touch.

 

“Tell me, babe. What’s bothering you so much?” Rin’s sight became blurry at the words and he sniffed before angrily wiping the tears away.

 

“Have you seen this?!” he exclaimed, anger lacing his words like venom, as he pointed at his own face.

 

“I’m hideous!”

 

Ryuji’s eyes widened in realization. Who would’ve thought the actual son of Satan –

_Of course,_ he thought _._ He was half a human, too, after all and humans were frail and delicate beings. It’s easy for their hearts to get corrupted by self-loathing when the concept of beauty has been deformed to set impossible standards.

 

Real beauty, Ryuji likes to think, is what a person’s soul looks like, because he’s been taught over and over again that kindness is the equivalent of real beauty. The way a person can burn with heartfelt passion or be alight with the desire to help others. Rin was _radiant_ when it came to helping others.

 

“No, you’re not. You’re beaut—”

 

“Stop shitting me! Have you seen these fucking teeth? And I have a tail for fuck’s sake!” Rin exploded and if he weren’t having an existential crisis right now, Ryuji might’ve said something about the cursing (which was obviously his influence in their relationship).

 

“Rin, listen to me,” Ryuji’s voice was low and steady as he brought both his hands to Rin’s face. A restless blue gaze came to rest on him and he smiled.

 

“I don’t think you’re hideous.” Rin was quick to frown at him but he kept his mouth shut so Ryuji continued.

 

“To be perfectly honest,” he started, moving a hand to the back of Rin’s neck, where he began gently playing with his hair.

 

“…I’ve never once thought you weren’t beautiful.” Ryuji bit his lip, knowing what he was about to do would totally ruin his pride but he loved Rin so, so much and the years have only proved him that he was worth it.

 

“When… when we first met, I thought you were stunning. You were constantly buzzing with energy and the need to help people and learn things.” Ryuji’s other hand travelled down Rin’s arm until he entwined their hands and squeezed.

 

“It’s embarrassing to tell you now, you know. I was so jealous of Shiemi,” he muttered under his breath, loud enough for the other to hear him.

 

“Y-You were?” Rin’s voice was shaky and it pained Ryuji to see him so vulnerable.

 

“Yeah, I mean she was really close to you and your brother… and, uh… well I _wasn’t,”_ Ryuji cleared his throat and gave an uncharacteristic smile.

 

“I didn’t really know how to approach you because you seemed so distant… Like you were out of my league and I couldn’t reach out to you, but eventually I did and look where that both got us.”

 

It was silent for a while, the both of them sitting there quietly staring at each other. The moment was loaded with something electric, it was buzzing under their skin and it took the breath from their lungs. After a couple minutes it was Rin’s laugh that effectively broke their spell and the undercurrent of electricity was now running wild in the air around them.

 

“I never expected you to be so cheesy,” Rin smacked a playful hand on Ryuji’s chest, which said man caught with ease.

 

“Does that mean you’re feeling better, or?” Instead of giving an immediate answer, Rin leaned in and locked their mouths in a kiss that spoke volumes. It sparked and Ryuji felt ecstatic, like his veins were on fire.

 

“Much better,” Rin murmured against Ryuji’s lips and ignited another fire deep within his being. It never failed to amaze Ryuji just how much Rin could make his actions speak louder than his words and it always felt like the first time whenever they kissed. Every “I love you” sent a new wave of excitement thrills down his spine and he prayed that feeling would never leave.

 

“You’re beautiful, Okumura.” Ryuji traced a thumb over Rin’s bottom lip and watched how his cheeks dusted red.

 

“I love you,” Ryuji whispered and kissed him again. And again. They parted for just a second because Rin wanted to say the words too and they were kissing again.

 

He kissed every part of Rin’s face and kept telling him how beautiful he thinks each and every inch of him actually is.

 

“I love your eyes the most,” Ryuji said when they were finally laying down, Rin in Ryuji’s arms. Safe. Warm.

 

“Y-You do?” Rin looked up at him with so much adoration, Ryuji’s breath hitched and he needed to remind himself that _oxygen_ was necessary.

 

“Yes.”

 

“Really?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Would you ever change your mind?” Rin asked, worry lacing his words and his grip on Ryuji’s shirt tightened.

 

“I’d never be able to, Rin. You’re perfect to me,” Ryuji said and nuzzled Rin’s hair with his nose. He smelled of exotic spices and aftershave. Like slow mornings and rainy afternoons. Rin smelled like home.

 

“Promise?” Ryuji looked down and tucked a stray piece of blue hair behind Rin’s ear.

 

“Promise,” he whispered before sealing the vow with his lips.

**Author's Note:**

> constructive and/or positive feedback is always welcome! i'm trying to improve my writing since english isn't my first language!! 
> 
> pls leave me some comments & kudos<3


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